Spirit vs. Flesh Must They Compete?
By Dr. Jallen Rix

Growing up in a Christian fundamentalist environment, I’ve come to identify parts of my young life as religiously abusive. At times, it was an environment where people abused leadership positions and the loving teachings of Jesus for personal gain. It could probably be classified as power abuse.
When I began to deal with my sexuality, leaders would impose their sexual views on me, like, “Gay is bad! If you stay faithful to what we are teaching, God will make you straight.” Although this scenario is over-simplified, in essence, this was what they were saying, and some sexual abuse specialists believe that when this is done, it is a kind of sexual abuse. Someone I looked up to was not just educating me about what they thought about homosexuality. They were imposing their views and manipulating me by saying, “You do it my way or God will reject you and you’ll burn in hell.” Again, this is over-simplified—but not too much.
Indeed, these experiences were what set me on the long and difficult path of recovering from the damaging effects of the ex-gay movement, reparative therapy and religious abuse in general. It was a journey of finding the beautiful gifts of spirituality and my sexuality despite all the challenges. It was the path that eventually led to getting my Doctorate of Education in Sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.
My business partner, Mark Hollenstein, is a life coach and body worker who came from the same kind of religious background and actually had some sexual abuse in his childhood. I sat down with him to compare our journeys that led up to us working together to support the healing in people with similar experiences.

Mark: I grew up in a very religious family. All five children went to private Catholic schools from kindergarden through high school. The sexual and physical abuse that occurred to myself and my siblings came from our house keeper/nanny and her cousin, of course, behind my parents’ back. Although there’s not room in this article, suffice it to say, you can’t imagine the horrific acts of hatred and torture I have endured. Add to that, my pain and confusion as a young boy who knew he was attracted to other boys. And on top of that, my Catholic education beat into my head that any form of sexual touch (including masturbation), outside of marriage, was a mortal sin, which is unforgivable and therefore you go to hell. So, in my young, confused mind, I was damned to hell right outta the gate.
Right after high school I was “born again” and decided to go to the Foursquare Bible Col-lege to become a pastor. Wanting to be upfront and forthright before I started my first semester I confided in the Dean of Admissions, confessing that I was attracted to men. With the most disgusted, hate-filled look on his face, he said, “It is a very good thing you came in here this week and not last week!”
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Because last week I was delivered from a demon of homosexuality!” he hissed.
Curious and a bit titillated (he was very handsome) I inquired, “Are you attracted to men, too?”
“No! I was delivered of my hatred of homosexuals, and last week I would have pushed you out the window of this four-story building.”
I am sure he said that with all the love of Jesus in his heart he could muster, but hence started my routine of exorcisms, lectures and accountability meetings for the next several years under this man’s “loving care.” Somehow through it all I got married to my high school sweetheart, shared in the birth of three wonderful children, and had a vibrant ministry for fifteen years.
Me: Wow! So you didn’t ever enter into an ex-gay group or actually see a reparative therapist, but it sounds like you got the same anti-gay, sex-negative, shame-based rhetoric I received as well. Did it work?
Mark: If you had asked back then I’m sure I would have said, “Oh! Yes, it worked—I’m mar-ried with kids, after all!” But at 31 years old, my hidden secrets of homosexual desire and years of being in denial about my sexual abuse all caught up with me and I had a nervous break down. I finally got the professional help I needed to come to terms with my homosexuality and years of sexual abuse. With the very loving and skilled help of an amazing therapist, my wife and I decided to dissolve our marriage, keep our friendship, continue to co-parent our children and get out of Christian ministry. That was the hardest decision I have ever made, but it was the healthiest and most liberating choice I had made up to that point in my life.
Me: Yeah. They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, but it’s sort of in reverse for us. I got to admit that I am not the problem. There was nothing wrong with me being gay or sexual. However, I had taken on all the stigmas, abuse, guilt and shame that others had imposed on me. I believed in “the problem” they said I was having. And it took years of therapy, education and reflection to sort out the real me from all the lies and misinformation I was told.
Mark: Yes, I was so preoccupied with how I “thought” God wanted me to be, I never really got to know the great person God had already made me. I vowed, no matter what, I would speak my truth and live my life without secrets and without lies.
Me: Oh man! My therapist diagnosed me as a borderline compulsive liar. I hated myself so much that I would say anything to make others happy or to make them think I was a good, straight Christian boy. I too had to commit myself to being truthful to myself and to others, and the more I did it, the freer I felt.
Mark: I think we were also taught that the spirit and the body are at war with each other. It has been very healing for me to realize my spiritual side, my emotional side, my mental side and my sexual side—all my sides—live in miraculous harmony together. But I had to find that out by risking and listening to my body when at first, it felt like I was walled off from my body and emotions.
Me: It took some real practice to get out of my head and into my body just to enjoy the world around me. I was surprised that when I let everything integrate and work together, my body was trustworthy. It knew what felt good and if I listened, it would guide me on how to take care of it. Research shows that babies—even in the womb—touch their bodies and genitalia simply for pleasure’s sake. It’s after the fact that we are taught (incorrectly) that it’s “nasty” to touch down there.
Mark: I gave myself permission to explore sexual experiences with men. I purposefully went to clothing-optional gay events. I took sexuality workshops for gay men. I posed nude for photographers and sketch artist. I tried any experience that allowed me to step away from the shame and  step into the pleasure my body could give and consequently, more toward connecting with men.
Me: I am amazed at the number of clients I now work with who struggle with the same guilt and shame, whether or not they have a religious background. We still live in a primarily sex-negative, homophobic society.
Mark: I had the same experience. I would share some of my new insights with my massage clients and they would cling to my every word. Many would ask if I could work with them to make the kind of changes I was making in my life. That is what led me to facilitate workshops and retreats specifically for gay men. Through my personal experience, group work and private sessions, I came to recognize shame and internal homophobia as a debilitating occurrence for everyone. With some guidance and coaching, we can set ourselves free to be much healthier and happier beings. The more I let go of the shame, the better I felt. I had no idea how good life could feel without it. My journey has been hard and hellish at times and miraculous and magical at others. And, you know, I would not trade a bit of it as it has all helped me become the shame-free, content, authentic, open and proud gay man I am today.

Jallen Rix writes the PULP column, Sex Ed in Bed. Mark Hollenstein and Jallen will be facilitating the one day workshop, Maximizing M2M Pleasure, Enjoying more slices of your sexual Pie on October 25, at the Triangle Inn, and in Los Angeles on November 16. They will also be seeing individual clients in Palm Springs from October 27 - 30. For all the details go to: MaxM2M.com or call: 415.829.7106.